Wow - look at all this crap!

Netflix Instant Watcher Showdown: 3 movies, 10 minutes...AKA the "are you getting grabbed?" challenge

2010-06-13T14:17:00.000-04:00

Me and Boofie have a huge backlog of movies in our Instant Watch queue. Most of these movies look interesting and we added them to our massive list because we figured we'd watch them at some point. Mostly we haven't watched anything from the list (Boofie has discovered FEARnet so it has been all horror movies, all the time!)

If they could just set up a TV channel with all of these Netflix movies playing on random shuffle, we'd work through the list with no problem. It is strange how it is much more difficult to make an affirmative choice about what you're going to view on the tube...we find ourselves watching Old School on TBS for the millionth time because it is easy to just flip on a cable channel and let the cable box overlords choose for you.

In an attempt to lessen the pressure of the time commitment involved, I came up with a little game that we'll be playing with our Instant Watch queue. We select 3 films at random from our list. It has to be a film that neither of us has seen already. We watch each one for 10 minutes and turn it off. 10 minutes - that's it. I set a timer and we shut it off mid-scene (unless at 9:59, there's boobs on the screen - then I'll be "accidentally" fumbling with the remote to buy time while Boofie yells at me)

Whichever movie grabbed us the best after the 10 x 3 Showdown gets a movie night all of its own.

The best part? We're already 10 minutes in! Holy crap - I've saved myself a truckload of time already.

Here's how last weekend's selections turned out:

Movie #1 was Gomorrah.

I'd been wanting to watch this italian mafia film for quite some time now; Boofie was not really interested, but she humored me. (You may be surprised to learn that this movie didn't win the 10x3 showdown.) These are my notes of the first 10 minutes:

Fat tanning dudes
Weirdo euro dance music
Is this a movie about a grocery delivery service?
Starts off with a bang but then slooooows down
Thumbs down from Boofie

Movie # 2 was Jekyll.

Ok, technically it is not a movie - it is a BBC series, but whatever. Here's my notes for 10 minutes of Jekyll season 1 episode 1.

Looks like TV production values
Decent looking lady - british face, big calves
Nice work on the exposition
Uh oh, crowded british teeth!
Where's Mr. Hyde?
why did we just cut to family drama with a slutty-mouthed mom?

Movie # 3 was Outland, a 70s sci-fi cowboy movie starring Sean Connery. I'm talking about the real Sean Connery, not this one.

Notes for Outland as follows:

Whoa, lots of green text to read!
Special effects - not bad considering the era; the space station must be miniature models but it looks good
why are they doing manual labor in space? where are the robots?
Has a "grab ya" event in the first few minutes
Why did we just cut to family drama?

Outland ended up winning the battle. We watched the rest of the movie the next day. It was predictable and twenty minutes too long. The dad from Everybody Loves Raymond played the villain. The creepy evil art dealer dude from Beverly Hills Cop had a small part. I give it a C-minus.

This thing is cool...

2010-06-01T15:02:00.003-04:00

Ever wanted to make your own electronic music and turn your cubicle into a hip and happening after-hours techno club?

No?

Uh, okay...don't click this link then.

Here are some user-submitted reviews for Andre-Michelle's Tone Matrix thingee:

Y.Boy says "Good! VERY good!"

Alban writes "Can't stop playing with it!"

Owrede gushes "my daughter loves it too!"

The return of Netflix Instant Watcher

2010-01-10T13:18:00.004-05:00

Last night we watched "Antikörper" (if you're a US cinephile: "Antibodies") on Netflix instant watch.

It is a german serial killer/thriller film. It is subtitled in English, of course, and I know some people shy away from films that require reading but I enjoyed this one.

It was definitely inspired by Silence of the Lambs (<----warning: that link is rated R) but the filmmakers took the story in a different direction; it didn't feel derivative.

I'd give it a B+. My only criticism was that it ran a bit long (just over 2 hours long) but I feel that way about most movies...

Cupcakes for Geeks

2010-01-08T10:48:00.009-05:00

Click here - Gamer's Cupcakes

Ok, I'll admit I'm pretty dorky because I got at least 75% of these right (and most of the ones I missed were based on board games...)

But I may not be the dorkiest male in my family, because I have a brother who, given a little bit of unexpected free time, would think long and hard about playing # 92

instead of playing # 91

I'm kidding, of course. Besides, if I sat down with a group of gals to play # 91, they'd probably rather eat the cupcakes.

Netflix Instant Watcher

2010-01-02T15:13:00.006-05:00

Last night we watched Surveillance.

This film is a crime thriller mystery. Me and Boofie both enjoyed it. It was written and directed by David Lynch's daughter and I felt as though the mood of the film and some of the shots were reminiscent of his style. Since it was an instant-watch selection on Netflix, our expectations were low. I'd give it a B-plus.

It was bit jarring to see how old Bill Pullman has gotten. He was Lone Starr, for God's sake!

Also, what happened to his popularity rating per imdb?

Are people confusing him with Charlie Sheen or something?

This is how I came up with my XBox Live gamertag...

2009-12-09T20:23:00.002-05:00

I set up a spreadsheet that has 2 columns in it. One column had cool adjectives in it like "Supreme" or "Golden." The other column had dorky nouns like "McNugget" or "Hobo."

Through the magic of Excel and some other chicanery, we get a selection from each column and voila! Your new gamertag is something ridiculous like "Commander Provolone."

Click here to see it

I added another set of columns that reverses the pattern. Weirdo adjectives matched with cool nouns - examples include "Oblivious Titan" or "Soapy Minotaur."

The gamertag designer is powered by the stock market in a roundabout sorta way. The spreadsheet creates a random number and the only way I could make this thing work automatically was to tie the updating mechanism in with Google's automatic stock quote web lookup. As a result, new gamertags are generated automatically each time Google is able to update stock prices. It won't update with each new page view...

Give someone a micro-loan!

2009-12-07T10:32:00.004-05:00

I loaned money to a woman selling shoes in Tajikistan by using this site: Kiva.org

When she paid me back most of my initial micro-loan, I gave some cash to a woman in Nigeria selling clothes. Check out my lender profile here.

You can send gift certificates to your loved ones for Christmas this year and they can join in on the fun. Click here.

My contributions to Urban Dictionary...

2009-10-06T16:02:00.004-04:00

"Hurry up you toolbag! Don't be such a foot-in-a-boot!"

"After I finish shaving my back hair, I'd better check in the mirror to see if I have any shimples!"

I need one of these badly...

2009-09-03T11:40:00.003-04:00

Spider-Man backpack. I love it!

Go here to buy me one...

What did you think I was drawing?

2009-06-04T15:50:00.005-04:00

I like this site a lot. It gives me yet another way to amuse myself ~~while at work~~ off the clock and on my own time.

Click here for my latest masterpiece. Just let the animation run...don't click on any of the controls. I'm starting to see a lot of possibilities with their "we'll redraw it as you drew it" feature.

"Drag me to Hell"

2009-06-04T15:29:00.003-04:00

Me and Boofie saw this movie over the Memorial Day weekend and we loved it. It had just the right blend of horror and humor.

It was so good I can almost forgive Sam Raimi for this ---> click here and get the eye-bleach ready.

Here's the trailer for "Drag Me to Hell."

check out this video!

2009-03-16T19:59:00.001-04:00

"Back off sister! I'm trying to improve my concentration!"

2009-02-27T10:59:00.007-05:00

That's what I'm going to say next time I'm in a meeting and my boss yells at me for drawing all over the white space on her handouts.

Sure, I might get fired for my unprofessional outburst. On the other hand, science will back me up!

Click the link for proof: News story

Here's a real-world example of my own ~~doodling~~ concentration-enhancing exercise.

Technically, I might not be good enough to be a professional artist, but I did draw all that stuff during a meeting.

In the corporate office's conference room.

While on the clock.

Then I got a paycheck at the end of the week.

You do the math.

Manga Boofie

2009-01-28T18:36:00.002-05:00

ain't she purdy?

I'm a friggin fashion designer now!

2009-01-28T18:31:00.003-05:00

And you can be a fashion designer too. Click here!

Champion is going to produce a limited edition run of hoodies with the winner's pattern. Cross your fingers for me!

Here's my design...

Me and Boofie spent an embarrassingly significant amount of time working on that hoodie.

Face-bending website

2009-01-24T12:45:00.006-05:00

This "face of the future" website is really neat.

I started by uploading this old grade-school photo of yours truly...

I ran it through a couple of the program's transformer modules. Click the picture to enlarge.

This one is my favorite - "monkey matta!"

Note: the website didn't work for me when I used Firefox so try it with Internet Explorer.

Manga Face!

2009-01-24T12:27:00.006-05:00

I created my manga face using this link. Go make one of your own!

Christmas present for the Boof

2008-12-23T21:31:00.007-05:00

Boofie got her Christmas present early this year. She's had her eye on this Sony E-reader gadget for a while, so I splurged a little bit this year. Check out some pics:

In the background, you can see Rock Band 2 for the Xbox360. In a few days, Boofie's kids are going to be turning our living room into a rehearsal space. Kill me now.

The E-reader uses "E-ink" to display the text on the screen. I don't know exactly what that means, but it sounds cool. Nowadays you can put 'e' or 'i' in front of anything and people will assume you're blasting them in the face with cutting-edge technology. Booyah!

This particular model has a touchscreen and stylus. That's why it doesn't have a bunch of buttons. You can turn a page by swiping your finger across the screen.

I don't really need to bother with fancy crap like that...I just ring a bell and my manservant and butler Jeeves will sprint into my study and turn the page of my book for me. It's low-tech, but that is what works for me. Your mileage may vary.

Here's a pic of the gizmo next to the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly. As you can see, the viewscreen is about the size of a page of a paperback novel.

"You have really big glasses..."

2008-10-20T07:58:00.002-04:00

This is brilliant!

and here's the first one the guy made:

Go here to buy a "pipe wrench fight" t-shirt!

Are you a dog or a cat person?

2008-09-11T15:58:00.005-04:00

I guess I'm not a dog OR a cat person, since I discovered this new product!

They're bioengineered buddies. These things are so much better than real pets!

You can go on vacation and put them in a dormant state. They hardly poop at all. They are already neutered. Totally awesome!

Write the letter, Lisa!

2008-08-22T11:06:00.003-04:00

Uh oh - Lisa Miceli needs to write a more convincing letter!

Everyone's favorite Michael Jordan stalker has been jailed for contempt of court. The judge won't release her until she writes a letter promising not to contact MJ anymore. She wrote one letter already, but the judge said it wasn't enough.

Read about the latest legal developments here.

Seems strange that a woman who has written 336 blog posts so far this year can't seem to compose one simple letter. Maybe this is all part of the master plan of the shadowy group conspiring against her.

Alyssa Milano and Pam Anderson are stealing her ideas.

The Erie Times News is out to get her.

Her former friends are selling out to the tabloids.

Her wacky blog hasn't been updated in a while. She must not have internet access behind bars. Too bad - she'd do well using either one of these two websites.

Lefties untie!

2008-08-13T12:24:00.003-04:00

Oops, I mean "Lefties Unite!" Today is International Left-Handers Day!

Even though I am a lefty myself, I had no idea until I saw it mentioned on this site in reference to Obama and McCain. That's right, they are both lefties!

Here's the link to the LHD official website.

Go here to see their list of Top 10 Left Handed Products.

Chivalry is officially dead....

2008-08-12T07:32:00.004-04:00

Splat the Mat!

Notice how the dorks totally ignore the gal and rush out to the clean up the precious mat. Would it kill them to hand her a paper towel or two?

Hmmm, I wonder if she is one of these kids all grown up!

Today is Eight Eight Oh Eight

2008-08-08T12:43:00.003-04:00

I didn't even realize that today was 8/8/08 until I looked at my workflow calendar and realized I was behind schedule on 3 reports. So far, it looks like my 8/8/08 is NOT going to be a lucky day. Bah!

Maybe I'm being too pessimistic. Here are some other perspectives:

Our Awesome Planet: 10 things to do on August 8th, 2008

NPR: A Lucky Day for Weddings

Houston Chronicle: Is today your lucky day?

Astrological Musings: The Power of Eight

And then there's this guy...

Some of his other videos:

Solving the JonBenet Ramsey case

Giant tidal wave to hit Miami, FL?

Bigfoot, Nessie, and the King James Bible Code

Make the Wind Blow using Psychic Power

The last one is my favorite. The guy keeps repeating his mantras over and over:

"Power of Thor, wind blow now. Wind, get windy. Wind, blow now. Wind, starting to blow."

I don't want to spoil the ending for you, but the video is over 5 minutes long. He lucked into a couple of gusts. Ta-da!

What did people do all day at work before the Internet?

2008-08-05T20:22:00.005-04:00

Did people just bring a newspaper to work or something? I'd go nuts if I had to sit at my desk and crunch numbers non-stop without taking a little break.

Fortunately, sites like Read at Work can help you to do a little browsing on the down-low.

Nosy co-workers won't be able to tell that you're actually NOT looking at a standard Windows XP desktop.

"Oh hey there Carl, I'm just reviewing this PowerPoint presentation for our conference call at 3:30. Run along now, nothing to see here..."

I'm not really all that enthusiastic about their limited selection of stories and poems, but you have to admit that the site design is inspired! Here's a tip: double-click right on the folder or else the "window" won't open.

"All you leave is a fresh eucalyptus scent..."

2008-08-04T19:31:00.006-04:00

Click on this link and listen to the commercial that autoplays. Apparently, this product is "the new way to use the bathroom!"

I browsed through the site and found this little nugget of wisdom in the FAQ:

Q: How long will my order take?
A : Orders typically take 7-10 business days to arrive. Rush delivery is optional and takes 2-3 business days.

Why in the world would anyone need "rush delivery?"

If your significant other insists that you pay for upgraded shipping because they can't stand your personal odor for an extra 5 business days, it may be a sign of a larger underlying problem in your relationship. Click here or here or here for more info.

Read faster!

2008-07-31T12:00:00.004-04:00

Spreeder is a nifty little site that may be able to help you increase your reading comprehension speed.

Go find a nice-sized block of text and paste it into the box. For my first test, I used chapter one of Voltaire's Candide, found at this site. (Side note: Dr. Pangloss is one of my favorite characters ever.)

Depending on the complexity of the text, you may need to tweak the settings. For chapter one of Candide, I was able to read comfortably using 7 word chunks at about 375 words per minute.

For something like this news story about a pregnant bank robber, I was able to get my speed up to 700 wpm using 2-word chunks. Nifty, eh?

Try it yourself and see fast you can do it!

(P.S. I have no idea what happened to the pregnant bank robber - did they catch her? Those darn words flashed by so quickly that my cornea hurts. Ugh!)

Wordle

2008-07-30T14:26:00.006-04:00

Wordle is a site that scans your blog and creates cool pictures like this:

According to this poorly written Urban Dictionary entry, "wordle" is a fancy way to say "word!"

I voted "thumbs down" on that one, but you should go vote thumbs up for my submitted Urban Dictionary word: stunga!

Just for kicks, I ran Lisa Miceli's blog through the Wordle generator.

Chainsaw Maid

2008-07-29T07:32:00.004-04:00

This claymation video is pretty gory, but very well done!

Fun fact about Boofie - she loves all things zombie!

She's a fan of this movie and this and this but not this!

Bonsai Tree Project: Epilogue

2008-06-25T07:59:00.002-04:00

Update on Lisa Miceli

2008-06-19T11:04:00.003-04:00

Remember Lisa Miceli? She's gotten herself into some legal hot water.

She might be jailed for contempt of court. Read about it here.

Here's a link to her loony blog. She posts a lot more frequently than I do. So far, she's up to 89 posts for June.

Today's most recent post is titled "If Spike Lee produces my Space Jam 2 movie..." The reader comments are almost as funny as the bizarre writing.

File-Swap.com

2008-06-15T07:37:00.002-04:00

This website allows you to swap random files with ~~weirdos~~ people online. Kinda pointless, but let's give it a try.

I swapped this picture:

and got back this picture:

Weird, huh?

Letter re: bonsai tree debacle

2008-06-11T07:35:00.004-04:00

I sent a letter to the makers of the Mini-Merry Berry Bonsai tree kit. Let's see if I get a response...

Do you want to look like this?

2008-06-02T21:45:00.007-04:00

Welcome to the first installment of "Quick - Don't Buy This!" In a desperate attempt to keep coming up with content for this blog, I've decided to start doing some product reviews (with video - yay!)

Here's a link to the product.

That's my brother Joey in the video. Don't worry, folks - he's a professional actor.

Click on this link to see Joey dressed as Jerri Blank for Halloween.

Bonsai Tree project - final update

2008-05-31T16:49:00.007-04:00

Well, that didn't work very well.

Here's a look at the state of my bonsai tree. I know these things are supposed to teach you how to be all patient and full of satori and crap, but this is ridiculous. I'm a busy guy - I don't have time to think about that stuff.

I followed the instructions in the booklet, but nothing ever sprouted. Lame!

I feel foolish that I allowed myself to get so excited without turning to the internet to do a little research. Check out what other anti-Miyagis are saying about this product on Amazon.com:

"I cold stratified the seeds for 1 week, planted them on 9/12/04, and 2 weeks later, I have yet to see any results. "

"This book tries to make the process sound easy and short when it's actually a fairly long process."

"Please don't be tricked by the charlatan peddlers of these "bonsai" kits."

"While the kit came with several seeds, none of mine sprouted, and one of them came broken."

See where the project began here. Check out the other entries here and here.

Major Violation of the Hippocratic Oath...

2008-05-03T17:36:00.003-04:00

Last weekend, me and the Boof attended my company picnic. I work in the Finance department for a large medical practice of over 50 doctors.

Once a year, we take over one of the public parks in town and they throw a massive shindig. It is really fun - burgers, booze, and lots of bullshitting. It is a rare opportunity to interact with the docs on a personal level.

In addition to all of that fun, me and Boofie's kids bring our basketball and we hoop it up.

This year, several physicians joined our pick-up game. One of the beefy orthopedic surgeons must have instituted a "no-layup" rule because when I found myself under the basket with a clear shot, he whacked the crap out of my hand. Maybe he was trying to drum up some business. Thank goodness he didn't try to take out a knee or a shoulder...

Check out the pics...

The diagnosis - hairline fracture in my thumb. I'm supposed to take it easy for six weeks. Bah!

Cranium Maximus

2008-03-26T10:09:00.003-04:00

I know that I haven't been posting very much this month, but I have an excuse. One of my employees resigned recently, so I've been forced to pick up the slack. She was a real workhorse, too, so I've been busting hump to cover for her. Lame!

But it isn't all work and no play around here. This place ain't the Overlook Hotel and I'm not going to freeze to death in a hedge maze.

I managed to find some time the other day to engage in a fascinating discussion about the future of human evolution. My work-friend Lisa is going to night school to study anthropology, so we chit-chat about bizarre topics like that.

I told her that I thought we'd eventually end up with giant heads and atrophied little bodies, and I drew her this picture to show her what I would look like. I'm riding in my personal motorized transport chair - forget the iPod, these things are going to be all the rage in the year 2417.

Reservation for two, charred flesh section...

2008-03-17T15:03:00.004-04:00

This game is probably considered blasphemy.

Bible-Fight!

I'll admit that I did try it out. But is it worse than this?

Guess I'll be heading down here!!

"We pried the toilet seat off with a prybar..."

2008-03-12T20:45:00.002-04:00

Read all about it here.

Clothing for D-Bags - Arcade edition

2008-03-07T11:16:00.003-05:00

These plush-head-hat-thingees are imported from Japan, and available in child and adult sizes.

Who would wear this stuff? At some point in the 90's, it became cool to be a little bit geeky. The ladies started cutting us some slack:

"Wow, you wear big glasses. How cute!"

"Okay, you know a little about computers - that might come in handy someday."

"Oh, you like to hang out on Friday nights with your creepy friends and play Xbox - good for you."

"What's that? You own a plush Pac-Man helmet? Umm, sorry - I'm busy Saturday night. I'm uhh, washing my hair or something."

Click here to buy one and keep all of your Saturday nights open...

"Don't talk back to Darth Vader - he'll get ya!"

2008-03-04T07:23:00.004-05:00

Here's the latest video clip making the rounds on the internet:

I'm impressed - the little girl picked up on a lot of the important plot points.

Fortunately for her, she must've blocked out my favorite part - Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru getting their comeuppance! Here's the action figure from the scene:

Scombridae?

2008-02-28T21:16:00.005-05:00

My brother C.P. sent me this link.

Since this kid is being home-schooled, we should give him the benefit of the doubt and not judge him too harshly.

At a public school, his douchey attitude would've been swirlied, wedgied, or just plain beaten out of him.

Trust me, I know a little something about being a smart-alecky dork boy.

Exhibit A is a photo of your humble blogger at age 11.

Unlike Evan, I attended several fine public schools and thanks to the gentle behavior-adjusting techniques employed by my peers, I'm a LOT less douchey now.

(what the heck is scombridae? click here...)

Garfield or No Garfield?

2008-02-28T13:29:00.004-05:00

Who doesn't love Garfield?

When I was a kid, that was the best comic strip around. I used to check out the Garfield books from the library and lay around reading them, secretly wishing that I could be a fat, lasagna-stuffed tabby cat.

Whoever created this web page apparently doesn't feel the same way... Garfield minus Garfield!

Don't worry - some people still love Garfield. Case in point...

Click here for more videos.

Garbage Dump on Wheels

2008-02-21T14:27:00.003-05:00

I think it is time for an update on my neighbor's car. Click here to see the first photo. Click here to see the video.

As you can see from the photo below, things have not gotten any better.

The reflection of the camera's flash in her windshield was unavoidable. I sent Boofie creeping out in the middle of the night to snap the photo. The cockroaches probably scurried away as soon as the light from the flash disrupted their feeding frenzy.

He's an 8.9 on "Hot or Not"

2008-02-20T20:59:00.007-05:00

John Fitzgerald Page. Businessman. Actor. Bench/squat/leg press enthusiast.

It all started here.

Then he went on CBS to have a talk with Julie Chen.

Then he filmed this video to try to show off his sense of humor.

Here is his webpage. Be careful when you click - even his web page design is obnoxious. Loud music begins playing automatically.

I don't know if he is the "World's Worst Person" but I think I can see why he is still single and looking for love on Match.com...

(what is "Hot or Not," you wonder? Click here and find out!)

This website may be helpful on Valentine's Day...

2008-02-14T20:02:00.005-05:00

Check out this site:

Fib Generator

There is a link for original submissions, so I submitted these:

Yours is probably the least stinky gas that I've ever smelled!

I think I might finally be able to stop drinking if you would marry me. Well, maybe I could...

Hey, your belly doesn't look that big when you wear sweatpants!

Ya know, even though it is Sunday and I've got money on the game, I think I'd rather just hang out with you and your girlfriends.

I think I'm getting tired of internet porn. A real woman's body, like yours, is much more interesting.

I happen to like the way the cottage cheese looks on your butt-cheeks!

I'm not confident that any of these will be approved, but if you see them on the webpage, think of me.

"Right at your Door"

2008-02-11T08:53:00.000-05:00

Here's the trailer for another flick that may have slipped past you while it was running in the theaters.

It was pretty good - I'll rate it 3 gas masks out of 4.

You may be thinking that the bearded husband dude in the trailer looks familiar. Well, you're right - he was Slater in "Dazed and Confused."

That Slater is not to be confused with hunky wrestling d-bag AC Slater from SBTB.

This product could save my relationship...

2008-02-09T09:53:00.000-05:00

I'm really starting to enjoy browsing around at this site. They have everything!

I recently discovered this product:

I won't lie - I've been thinking about trying them out.

Actually, if I'm being totally honest, my lady-love Boofie is insisting that I order a box of them...

Novelty Lighter of the Day

2008-02-06T13:04:00.000-05:00

Looks like another piece of the "Appliance Warehouse" set. Fits right in with this and this.

Was this lighter inspired by one of those idiots who light their smokes using a stovetop burner? Not a good idea, kids!

Hmm, maybe the legislative trend towards a "Nanny State" isn't such a bad idea...

What is the future of your marriage?

2008-02-06T12:42:00.000-05:00

Click here to find out.

After that, click here if you are male. Click here if you are a gal.

Should we call him the Pot or the Kettle?

2008-02-05T12:29:00.000-05:00

The tubby dude pictured here -

wants to pass a law in Mississippi that would protect overweight restaurants patrons from themselves.

Go here to read more about the concept of a "nanny state."

You don't have to suffer from "red buns" anymore!

2008-02-04T07:56:00.001-05:00

Someone recently gave me this as a gag gift (at least, I hope it was a gag gift!)

The label says that it is appropriate for "indoors or outdoors, work or play..." Geez, isn't that a little bit personal?

I don't anticipate needing to use Anti Monkey Butt Powder myself, but I have decided to name this particular brand as the Official Butt Powder of this blog.

Buy some for yourself here.

The Bonsai Tree Project - Day 9

2008-02-03T21:00:00.000-05:00

Here's what happened: my brother called me and said, "it has been a week - get your bonsai seeds out of the fridge!"

I was confused, and almost replied, "you twisted turophile, when did they let you out of the nuthouse?"

Then I realized that it wasn't that brother.

It was CDP, and he was right. It was time to become Matta-san again and get back to my bonsai project. The seeds were somewhere in the back of the fridge.

Who the fook is saving an opened bottle of Glen Ellen merlot in here? I think we can afford to buy a fresh one if there is some sort of red wine emergency...

I'm supposed to soak the peat pellet with warm water until it expands.

Then I am supposed to bury the seeds in a shallow grave of soggy peat. You can't actually see me doing that in the pic below, mainly because I'm terrible at setting up these shots. Just trust me when I tell you that it happened.

The expanded peat pellet totally resembles one of my prunes. I've been dieting and these prunes have been a life-saver. Satisfies the craving for sweets AND delivers a mega blast of potassium.

I can't believe I just wrote that. Combine my love of individually packaged prunes with my noted dislike of contemporary music and I'm pretty much guaranteed to grow into a crotchety old man.

Here's a pic of the peat pellet/prune comparison.

Ok, the seeded peat pellet is resting comfortably out on our lanai. Further bulletins will be issued as events unfold...

She gives me Blog Envy...

2008-02-01T18:55:00.003-05:00

The lady in the picture is Lisa Miceli. Apparently she was Michael Jordan's mistress or something. I read about her legal troubles here and got the pic here.

Over the course of the last couple of years, she's left MJ around 200 voice-mail messages. Sorry Lisa, MJ's been a little busy.

Click here to get a double-spoonful of crazy. The link takes you to her official blog. I wish I could create quality blog posts like she does.

But seriously, it looks like Lisa needs a whack in the head with the Ellipsis Stick.

Watch your buns!

2008-02-01T11:46:00.000-05:00

This is an actual memo that was handed out at the office the other day. There is a small duck pond behind the parking lot, and I guess it is becoming a problem.

Because it is clearly marked "confidential" at the bottom, I've blacked out the sensitive portions.

The artwork is all mine. What else am I supposed to do at work?

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, does this man look like a killer to you?

2008-01-31T11:36:00.000-05:00

This guy was arrested on homicide and drug charges. He must not know about these.

Read all about it here.

Super Bowl Sunday? Bah! I'm interested in Hotchkiss vs. Sutton...

2008-01-31T09:53:00.002-05:00

I don't really dig contemporary music. Just about everything on my iPod is from the 60's, 70's, or 80's. Pop music, emo, modern rock, electronica, new-school hip-hop...I just can't get into any of it.

So when I feel like my MP3 collection needs some fresh tunes, I have to go back in time and scour the old Billboard charts for some obscure track that I may have missed. I don't always end up finding nuggets of gold. Gilbert O'Sullivan? Who the fook is that?

But lately I've been thinking that this archaeological approach to media consumption could work for other forms of entertainment.

Movies? Sure!
Books? Absolutely!
TV Shows? Eh, not so much.

But how about sporting events? Sure, the outcome may have already been decided, but if I don't know who won, it is new to me!

For example, in October of 1911, during the semi-final round of the women's Metropolitan Tennis Championship, there was a killer showdown between Hazel Hotchkiss and Florence Sutton. Do you know who won? Ha! Didn't think so.

Here's a pic of Florence "Furious Flo" Sutton:

And here's a pic of Hazel "Hurricane" Hotchkiss:

Place your bets and click here to see the score.

I found the pic of Furious Flo here.

Who is up for a rousing game of Pushball?

2008-01-30T20:30:00.000-05:00

What the frook is Pushball, you ask?

Go here and find out. Don't take it lightly - pushball has a checkered past.

The above pic came from the Library of Congress photo archive on Flickr. Lots of cool stuff there - check it out.

Meta-Montage

2008-01-30T20:13:00.000-05:00

I made the above pic using this tool:

Montage-a-Google

My keyword was "montage." Friggin clever, aren't I?

Here's another one that I made using the keyword "douchebag." Click on it to enlarge.

"MASCARA RENAL GOO"

2008-01-30T14:48:00.000-05:00

It isn't some eyelash-kidney excretion. That's just a code for "Anagrams are cool."

I scrambled it up using this link.

Here's some other ones I created using the above link:

Adnan Ghalib = handbag nail

Tom Cruise = custom ire

Scientology = sect lingo, Yo

Santa Claus = assault can

Hillary Clinton = CIA nylon thrill

Paris Hilton = hairpin lost

Weird, huh?

I've got a fever...

2008-01-29T20:45:00.000-05:00

Click here for the only prescription.

These kids have it so easy nowadays...

2008-01-29T20:22:00.000-05:00

Boofie's kids get to spend their childhood being entertained by three different Spider-Man movies, the Lord of the Rings trilogy, the Matrix, and a whole host of other sci-fi/fantasy movies.

When I was a little Matta, we didn't have as many choices. We had to watch crap like this:

I don't remember much about this cinematic abortion except that the hero dude had a sword with extra blades.

You can learn more here. They even have a video clip.

Novelty Lighter of the Day

2008-01-28T11:30:00.001-05:00

It's a crab claw, and damn - it's cool. Crab claw lighters are all the rage in Europe right now.

I can just see myself sliding this thing into the front pocket of my too-tight, acid-washed jeans and waiting for the moment when I can say this line:

"No, it IS a crab claw in my pants. I'm not happy to see you."

The Bonsai Tree Project - Day 2

2008-01-27T20:01:00.000-05:00

Day 2 was a lot less exciting than Day 1 was, so I'm already thinking of ditching this thing. I never would've lasted as Miyagi-san's pupil. Sand the floor for 6 hours? Paint the fence, front and back? Yeah, right! I'm gonna go try to get to second base with that blond chick before Johnny and the Cobra-Kais kick my arse.

I suppose I'll hang in there for a little while longer.

The seeds have soaked for 24 hours - we can move on to the next step.

The seeds have to be removed from the water and placed on a damp paper towel.

The paper towel gets placed into a plastic bag.

The plastic bag goes into the fridge for 7 days.

Odds are pretty good that this baggie will never make it out of the back of the fridge. Seven days? I'll never remember! If only there were a way to electronically record my thoughts and feelings in an easily accessible format...

The Bonsai Tree Project - Day 1

2008-01-26T12:03:00.000-05:00

I'm not much of a plant person. You might say that I have a "black thumb." (beats having a brown thumb though, eh?)

Boofie does marginally better as a Horticulturist. Here is a pic of her one and only plant.

She forgets to water it sometimes, but it seems to be doing okay. One side has really flourished, so I call it the Mullet-Plant.

Anyways, I've decided to take on my own little eco-project. Here are the photos from Day 1 of the Bonsai Tree Project. Just call me "Matta-San!"

We bought this kit from Border's. We gave my brother-in-law Beau one of these for Christmas. His tree is probably 3 feet tall now. My tree will be lucky if it actually makes it into the soil.

See my wooden artist's manikin in the picture? Boofie's kids turned him into an amputee. It's cool though - I'm going to call in reinforcements!

Here is what you get in the kit. I haven't read the book yet. How hard can it be?

Ok, I looked up step one. I'm supposed to soak the seeds in water for one day. In the background, you'll see my other project for Saturday. Me and the Boof have one day per week to cheat on our diet, and we're going to devour those cookies.

Ok, that's it. I'm supposed to leave them in water for 24 hours. Ain't this fun?

Clothing for D-Bags

2008-01-26T11:24:00.000-05:00

Check out this site.

You can pre-order them now, but they won't ship until February 1st. Sewing the teeth and eyes onto the $5 Wal-mart hoodie must be extremely labor-intensive.

Dammit - if only I had some sweatshop workers handy! I could beat this company to market with MY product - Muenster Hoodies! Imitation cheese slices shaped like teeth and fastened to the hoods would look just about as cool as these things do.

(just kidding - sweatshops are not funny. Go here and read about it.)

((what's a d-bag, you ask? Go here for an insightful analysis!))

Novelty Lighter of the Day

2008-01-25T14:25:00.000-05:00

Click for a larger view.

I think that it says "ashtray" along the side of this thing. Looks like you can open up the door and stash out your stubbed-out butts in that empty space in the bottom left corner. Awesome product. Truly we are blessed to live in a time with such wondrous technology...

Hey, I wonder if the scale of this lighter matches this one? Maybe they made a whole warehouse set for kids to play with!

Worst Christmas Ever - President's Day edition

2008-01-24T15:22:00.000-05:00

Yeah, yeah, whatever. Maybe today isn't President's Day. Since I don't get the day off, I have no clue when we celebrate that holiday. Could be today, since I'm at work. Feels the same to me...

Anyhoo, these "action figures" are horrible. They're not even in scale--look at the size of those noggins.

I like how the packaging encourages kids of age 3 and up to "bend and pose to play." What kind of adventures should kids recreate with an Eisenhower figure? Maybe the historic signing of the legislation for the Federal-Aid Highway Act of 1956?

At the very least, they should've made a John F. Schrank figure and sold him in a 2-pack with Teddy Roosevelt!

I found them here.

If you have a daughter that needs her Christmas dreams crushed, order this set instead.

Buy some of the "World's Most Embarrassing Items"

2008-01-24T13:59:00.000-05:00

This is a great site for umm, other people to use if purchasing anonymity is a must.

I personally have never bought anything from them. Nope, not a single product.

But some of the items offered by this company are a bit puzzling...

Who would be embarrassed to buy this?

What is so bad about standing in line at the drugstore holding this? Or this?

And this one is just funny...

The show must go on...

2008-01-24T13:39:00.000-05:00

Now that guy is a true professional. Doesn't miss a single line of the song...

I love how the band just carries on - no one rushes over to help. They must think he's a total d-bag just like I do...

Crazy Frog Brothers

2008-01-24T09:36:00.000-05:00

My favorite part is at around 2:10. Is that a noose?

I'm thankful that Youtube didn't exist when I was a kid, because me and my brothers did some dorky shit like this, but no one will ever see it.

For example, back in the late 70's, my brother T.O. made a cassette tape recording of us singing his original composition entitled "Ham Hocks." Fortunately, cassette tapes are a crappy long-term storage medium, so there is no way that thing is still around.

Here's the only part of "Ham Hocks" that I can recall:

Ham Hocks are the greatest,
Ham Hocks are the best.
You should eat some Ham Hocks,
They're better than all the rest!

Pure poetry. He was like a 7-year old Bob Dylan.

Novelty Lighter of the Day

2008-01-24T07:27:00.000-05:00

I feel like I could buy a bunch of these wholesale and sell them for a sweet profit at the parking lot of a Jimmy Buffett concert.

Hippies appreciate the renegade styling and pedi-freedom that a good pair of flip-flops affords a person and everyone knows they love smoking the herb. Sparking up a righteous bowl requires a reliable source of flame.

Hmmmm, I wonder if they make a Dancing Bear lighter. Those hippies will buy anything!

Worst Christmas Ever - Bodily Functions edition

2008-01-23T16:45:00.000-05:00

I found this on Amazon.com.

The description claims that the "pee & poo set" isn't just for kids - it is "a great gift for hard-to-please adults."

Memo to all of my loved ones: feel free to send a gift card if you think I'm "hard-to-please." Don't just throw your hands in the air and order a plush toy inspired by human waste.

Novelty Lighter of the Day

2008-01-23T07:45:00.000-05:00

Fire in the Hole!

These lighters remind me of the old joke: "you know what really burns my butt?"

Answer: "a flame about this high"

Paradise by the Dashboard Blight

2008-01-22T18:00:00.000-05:00

Here's the pic of the front seat of my neighbor's car...

Click on it for a larger, high-res image.

If God was her co-pilot, where would he sit?

2008-01-22T15:01:00.000-05:00

Ok, this is a video of my neighbor's nasty car. I wouldn't normally do this to someone, but we have to walk past her front door everyday to get to our condo and it usually smells like pickled death.

It is totally gross - in the heat of the summer, the odor just outside her door makes me gag. So I feel like this could be my tiny revenge. Plus, it's pretty funny to see all of the stuff in her car that this woman can't bring herself to throw away. When I get home tonight, I'll post the hi-res photo that I took with Boofie's new camera.

Pardon the Cloverfield-style hand-cam shakiness - I had to be sneaky, because she's a smoker and she could've come outside at any moment. She'd probably whip a rotted chicken leg right at my head or something...

Worst Christmas Ever - Star Wars edition

2008-01-22T11:27:00.000-05:00

Wow - these are awful! Can you imagine unwrapping your presents and getting a box filled with these things? I'd smear peanut butter all over them and toss them to the dog.

Click here for the source.

Novelty Lighter of the Day

2008-01-22T10:07:00.000-05:00

Nothing screams out "I'm a tough guy" quite like a pack of Marlboro Reds and a forklift lighter. Don't mess with me, man!

Gadgets for your Mother...

2008-01-22T09:55:00.000-05:00

Mother Earth, that is...

Eco-Gadgets for 2008

Thank goodness Number 5 didn't exist back when I was a kid, because I'm sure I would've been carrying one to school, and I would've LIKED it. King of the Dorks!

Number 10 is cool, because you can throw them into a firepit when they are all used up, and you don't have to feel bad about it.

Novelty lighter of the Day

2008-01-21T16:16:00.000-05:00

Yep, it's a tuna can.

Incredible display of rope jumping

2008-01-21T16:03:00.001-05:00

Wow, the Japanese clearly have the best game shows (at least, I think that was a game show - who can tell?)

Here in the good old U.S. of A, we're forced to watch crap like this:

Follow-up on the strange man in the previous post

2008-01-18T15:20:00.000-05:00

His name is Bobby Conn and here is his Myspace Page.

For some reason, I kept thinking he looks like the lovechild of Mary Catherine Gallagher and Marky Mark Wahlberg.

According to his Wikipedia page, he invented something called "The Continuous Cash Flow System" while incarcerated. The goal of TCCFS is to "bring down America by creating a huge national debt." Hmmm...could Bobby Conn be responsible for the current sub-prime mortgage mess?

This song is kinda catchy...

2008-01-18T14:02:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I do a goofball dance that looks a lot like this guy at around 45 seconds in. I only do it to get a laugh out of the Boof.

I think this song is going to be stuck in my head all day.

How does this kid know who Robert Loggia is?

2008-01-17T07:37:00.000-05:00

Watch for the chemistry between Loggia and the Mom. I don't think that bald dude is Billy's dad.

Oh sure, Step-Baldo can probably be trusted to handle the disciplinary softball stuff like checking homework assignments and curbing Billy's use of inappropriate language, but when little Billy goes on a calcium strike, Mom has to bring in the big guns.

Take a guess at who is going to help Billy with his piano lessons...

There is someone out there for everyone...

2008-01-16T20:32:00.001-05:00

This site has a section labeled "Happy Endings."

I like this site also - you can narrow your search down to Death Row residents only. Perfect for individuals who have a hard time committing...

Are you about a size 14?

2008-01-16T20:27:00.000-05:00

And here's a song to go along with the pic:

Greenskeepers- It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin on Transbuddha

If you laugh at this...

2008-01-16T20:25:00.000-05:00

You're headed downstairs. Smoking section, double pitchfork.

"Sunshine"

2008-01-16T16:30:00.000-05:00

The Boof and I just watched this movie on DVD. I don't recall it in the theater listings - it must've been in and out pretty quickly. If you can get over the questionable premise, it is a pretty good flick.

The dude from Batman Begins who played the Scarecrow is in it. So is the dude who played Human Torch in the Fantastic Four movies. I didn't like those movies. Batman is a detective, not a psycho Ninja. Reed Richards is not a doofus. Alicia Masters is not a black gal. Jessica Alba is not blonde. Dr. Doom is not a toaster. Those movies made me sad.

More from American Idol

2008-01-16T15:59:00.000-05:00

I don't think this stalker guy was joking around. He was creepy.

If he hadn't insisted on staying in character the whole time, he could've changed his whole act from "grounds for a restraining order" to "oh, how cute - the fat guy knows how to rhyme."

I wonder sometimes if dudes like Paul here have given up on the idea of ever getting a girlfriend. Must be liberating.

Not sure why I spent two posts on American Idol when Xanadu got just one post. I don't even like American Idol!

No Sex Allowed

2008-01-16T11:43:00.000-05:00

This was my favorite moment from American Idol last night. My lady-love Boofie made me watch it with her.

I like it when singer/songwriters really open up and let us see the world through their eyes.

For Milo Turk...mission accomplished!

Something for our Eco-Friendly readers...

2008-01-15T19:34:00.000-05:00

Green is in now, I think. Take a look at this link:

12 Simple Ways to Live a Greener Lifestyle

My brother-in-law Beau is very eco-friendly, and he's totally compliant with this list. He's probably going to end up being the last man alive, like some twisted 'I AM LEGEND' type dude. Watch out for the vampires!

Here's another fun link:

Eco-friendly web design

Now where is my electric car?

Wow, this is kinda crazy...

2008-01-15T18:45:00.000-05:00

Go here and see if the video is still up....

Tom Cruise wacky Scientology video at Gawker

I have nothing against Scientology, so I didn't think this video was crazy just because of his religious beliefs. That would be rude.

To be fair, I think that this video is heavily edited - his responses seem kinda crazy because we're not hearing the dumb-ass questions being asked.

At around minus-7 mins in, the interviewer said, "what about your out ethics? where should we put them?"

At minus-1:05, the interviewer said something like "are you getting enough help?" or "What do we do with the spectators?"

Poor Tom's got some serious brain-vein going, and that turtleneck/turkey-waddle combo is not flattering. He does that phony laugh a few times. C'mon dude, don't give it away for free. Hollywood pays you good money to fake laugh on demand like that.

I made this...

2008-01-15T16:29:00.000-05:00

With this link:

Automotivator

That's my nephew in the pic. We were here and yes, that is a real pumpkin.

Bragging time...

2008-01-15T15:58:00.000-05:00

My brother can be found in this link:

Pop Candy Halloween Costumes 2007

and in this link:

'Evita' review

This is a different brother, by the way. The crazy-eyed dude in this link (wearing the Snoopy shirt) is not an actor. But he can drag your butt into a court of law in more than one state. Ha!

So what is a "stunga" anyways?

2008-01-15T15:32:00.000-05:00

I'm glad you asked. Here's a link to the definition:

STUNGA

And just for a laugh, links to two other words that I've submitted to the Urban Dictionary. Gee, maybe this will all lead to a book deal!

CUDDLE-LINGUS

SHIMPLE

(beware: these links contain salty language.)

Xanadu on Broadway

2008-01-15T15:05:00.000-05:00

Go ahead and click on on the link below. It doesn't open up in a new window - I don't know how to do that, and I'm too lazy to look it up. Plus, I'm at work as I write this, so I have very limited time. I keep ALT-TAB'ing between this window and my Excel window whenever anyone walks by.

A place, where nobody dared to go...

Just so you know, my group of friends was way ahead of the curve on the Xanadu revival. Several years ago, we filmed our interpretation of the scene where the Muses come to life. My crazy Brazilian friend Marcos was a standout in his role as the "Black Muse." To simulate her standing-up hair braid thingee, he balanced a plush, purple phallus on his head.

Anyways, the gal playing Olivia Newton-John's Muse character (can't remember her name...) has a nasally voice. She's skinny, too. Can't she find a quality deli in NYC?

The guy playing Sonny (I remember that character name because that's the character I identify with - I dream about opening up an 80's nightclub) is dressed like a total douchebag. Hopefully those costume choices were made on purpose.

I don't think they are taking the source material very seriously. Bah!

This is probably my favorite Youtube video...

2008-01-15T14:59:00.000-05:00

That little girl is so cute that she makes me feel like maybe someday possibly I might want to have children of my own.

The feeling always goes away, usually rather quickly.

Hi everybody!

2008-01-15T14:57:00.000-05:00

I'm the one wearing the Charlie Brown shirt. That's my older brother with the crazy eyes.